i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I supernannyed him into submission
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
