I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just had sex bonerless
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
