you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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