I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
