If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
