That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you have to choose: penises or morals?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
