I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
