I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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