Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
