he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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