Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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