Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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