i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize