uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
