I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
