I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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