If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
