Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
