a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
