There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
