i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
