Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she smelled like a LAN party
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize