So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Couch. On fire.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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