He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
