nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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