no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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