my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
