So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
