I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you would pick up someone in the library
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
