i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
