Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize