Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
