I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
