Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
