Kareoke will never be a sober sport
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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