Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
