He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
