The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
