New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
