Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
