If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
