Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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