If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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