she woke up with a sticky ear
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
