Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize