Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
