The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
