how can u be prego again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
