so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
