Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
