she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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