I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
