Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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