Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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