well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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