is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
