Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize