My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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